So the last few days I have thrown some thoughts out there on what it means to be <a href="https://markbadeau.com/2018/08/11/nice-passive-nice-guys-vs-being-nice-from-a-position-of-clarity-and-strength/">truly nice vs being a Nice Guy</a>. I also <a href="https://markbadeau.com/2018/08/12/an-assertiveness-stack/">outlined some tips</a> on how best to communicate outwardly in a more assertive manner. Today's post is all about answering the 'so what?'
In my research on this topic of assertiveness, I have uncovered a study or two that supports the inherent benefits that I feel on a day to day basis when I am conducting myself in a more assertive manner. It is amazing how much science and clinical research there is out there on the seemingly soft topics of human development and effective communication.
Here is a rundown of some benefits – a couple that have some science standing behind them.
Self Respect Improves – You will increasingly feel as though you are being truer to yourself. The nagging feeling that you are taking the beating each day will increasingly dissipate. Regret and resentment will also diminish as you assert what is important to you. As the latent regret recedes, you will notice the quality of your relationships will be increasingly healthy. The most important relationship in your life will be the first to improve – the relationship with yourself.
Relationships Will Improve – Those relationships that were underpinned by your continual regret will no longer be as important as they once were. I have found as I have ramped my assertiveness that some of the most troubled areas of my life were greatly diminished if not completely removed. I no longer tolerate certain things that I would previously It does not make me a bad guy for having put up with it beforehand, nor does it make the other party(ies) a horrible person. All that’s happened is that I am related more and more to quality, healthy relationships.
In some cases, I have been able to reorient existing relationships and circumstances into a much better posture. Clearly this was possible, as I was not leading with what I wanted – thus the other side of the conversation was left to their own position. In some cases, they were just doing what they thought I wanted. If you do not speak up for yourself and have a damn point of view – how will they even know? They won’t, and chances are they will roll your ass when it comes to getting what they want.
In other cases, the relationships and circumstances that were unhealthy have been completely eliminated from my life in a meaningful way. I may still be polite and respectful, however the level of engagement I offer has effectively dropped off. Now, before you go off thinking that I am referring to you – there’s a very good chance that this is NOT the case. I have only had to do this with a couple of people that were in my life in the past few years, and they would not be surprised if I were to name names. The more likely scenario is that I have not done a good job of keeping in touch with you. I have a number of people in my life, including very close family, that I have just not been great at keeping in touch with.
There are a number of people that I am expecting to reconnect with in the coming weeks as the fall gets into gear. So watch out! 🙂
Finally, I have been able to cultivate some new relationships over the past few years that are centered on a healthy level of assertiveness – among other factors. This post is about assertiveness, so I will focus on this dimension… Assertiveness is absolutely critical for a more authentic and transparent relationship. For those that insist on wearing a mask with their partner, you are only hurting yourself by not showing your true self.
This is especially scary if you are unsure of yourself, and of your own inherent value. If you are not self-realized in this respect, chances are that you continue to don a mask or wacky little hat when you deal with certain people in your life. The sooner you can cut this shit out, and actually show yourself to those in your life – you will have a slew of relationships that are based upon your true, unvarnished, sometimes ugly, sometimes beautiful, and real self. Terrifying on some days even for the best of us.
I stand here today to tell you that it is worth putting yourself out there, and to let the chips fall where they may. No regrets is something that I have taken onboard when it comes to being a WYSIWYG type of guy. No, I am not talking about a web editor either…
Stress Gets Blown Up – You will have less stress in your life as you ramp your level of assertiveness. Back in 1994, there was a study conducted in Taiwan focusing on the effects of assertiveness training on a population of professional nurses. The levels of assertiveness and stress were measured before, during, and after the study was conducted using two scales I have never heard of – prolly worth investigating these:
- Perceived Stress Scale (PSS)
- Rathus Assertiveness Schedule (RAS)
After the assertiveness training – the levels of stress were measured as being demonstrably lower for those that went through the training as compared to those that went through the control group training. Four weeks after the training was conducted, the stress levels were still lower in the group that underwent the assertiveness training. This blew me away, and frankly was the basis for this post.
It begs the question of what a continual habit of assertiveness skilling and training could do for one’s stress levels in their life. We know that good diet, exercise, and sleep patterns can help you pull down the cortisol and stress levels in your life. I wonder if training and then ongoing refresher type of training and upkeep could similarly help in reducing stress.
Definitely worth some further investigation.
Aside from the clinical wondering here – you will have a happier life given the increased self respect, better quality of relationships, and lower stress levels in your life. Take a swing through the prior post for a tip or two on how to start ramping this thing called assertiveness for yourself.
There are some real benefits to be had here.
