Yesterday <a href="https://markbadeau.com/2018/08/11/nice-passive-nice-guys-vs-being-nice-from-a-position-of-clarity-and-strength/">I outlined the difference between being truly nice and being a Nice Guy</a>. One of the key elements I described in achieving a posture of strength is truly understanding your internal makeup. The other element I described was the outer game that is centered on effective communication. Assertiveness is a key enabler for getting your point across with respect for yourself and for the other person in the conversation.
So a few tips on how to be more assertive for your consideration, and this is all predicated on you knowing what you truly value and want. Assertiveness is all about a ‘win – win’ outcome to quote the great Steven Covey.
Give Yourself Some Grace – If you are not as assertive as you would like, and you really believe you can be more assertive – give yourself some grace here. Behavior modification takes time, and there will be strong and weak days. The point in this journey is that on average you are advancing in your assertiveness increasingly over time. This is not something you can jam into your daily makeup. There is no fast forwarding here – it will take time. Be patient with yourself.
You Need to Own The Outcome – Being increasingly assertive and taking a stand is going make some people around you uncomfortable. It could be time to revisit an unhealthy relationship that you have had for years, and this change in your outward behavior will set this revisit in motion. Be ready for the potential conflict. If you have had spouses, bosses, children, parents, siblings, or even a colleague at work in the past take advantage of your prior weakness – expect a reaction. You may not get the reaction you expect, it could be a welcome change for them too. The point here is that people will eventually notice that you are somehow different. If you can go into this believing that whatever outcome happens is a positive change as compared to your current huddling in a regret puddle – this belief will power you past whatever happens into a more spacious place to operate and to live.
No Need to Announce – If you have decided to be more assertive in a given relationship or in a certain dimension of your life – there is zero reason to announce this change. Let your actions do the talking – the message will get conveyed just as well. In this type of change – if you were to announce a change in your posture – you are likely going to trigger an even greater reaction. If you have a bad day, and you return to a passive posture (and it will happen) – those that you announced it to – are likely to call you out or throw it in your face. There is really no value to broadly announcing your intention to change. If you have a supportive friend, coach, or spouse – these are the safe relationships you can share your intentions with – provided they are not the targets of your increased assertiveness.
Say What You Want – I have been working with my sons for quite awhile on this. If you are to be a strong assertive personality – you have to clearly state what it is you want. People will not infer, guess, or figure out what the hell is in your head. State what you expect and want – clearly and unequivocally. Leave no doubt, and confirm with the other person that they registered your message by having them repeat it back to you – if you must.
Own Your Shit – You have problems and challenges. I do too. None of us is perfect, and we are all on a journey together. Be honest about your own problems, and own them. Do not blame anyone for your issues, problems, and challenges. Even if something in your life is not solely your responsibility – for example – you hired a contractor to do some work, and they messed it up on your place. Own the decision for hiring them, and own the resolution. Did you actually mess up the work? No, but you must own the condition of the property, and drive the resolution from this point forward.
Accountability and ownership will set you free, blaming is imprisoning. Trust me on this, I’ve done both.
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Extreme ownership is not easy, but it is freeing.
You Cannot Control Others – You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or actions. As an assertive person – you simply focus on your own behavior and emotions – knowing that the other person must do the same for themselves. If you find yourself being blamed for making someone else feel a certain way – know that they are reacting from a place of pain from a lack of self understanding. Consideration and respect are absolutely critical here, and this is part of being nice from a place of strength.
However, going way out of your way to ensure a comfort level is not something that assertive people do – we instead act considerately and ultimately know that your reaction is your reaction to own – not our responsibility. Aggressive and passive people are both attempting to manipulate others either directly or indirectly – different tactics – same attempted goals. Assertive people leave it to the other person to manage and to own. In my opinion, this is a question of ethics as much as anything.
Boundaries – Finally, and most importantly, knowing where you stand in terms of what you are willing to negotiate and what is not up for grabs is crucial to powering your assertiveness. Knowing that you will not sacrifice a kid’s baseball game that you are coaching regardless of pressures from your peers or boss – this is the kind of boundary I’m talking about. People that are assertive – know what is important to them and how important these things are. There are a number of frameworks out there that can help you in getting clear on boundaries in various dimensions in your life.
Here is one tip for your consideration – if you find that a given situation is forcing you into a place that you have nagging sense of regret or of restriction – rather than a sense of smoothness and freedom – you are likely contradicting something that is important to yourself. These feelings of restriction and of regret are good signs that warrant some deeper introspection on your part.
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