“I should have called you yesterday. Sorry.”
“I should really get out of bed now…”
“I should get to bed now…”
“I should start working out.”
“I should…should…should”
I am not a linguist alright?
I do know this though – the word should is a bullshit word. Those that use it are not dealing with the core issues and with their reality. I run into this word nearly every day, and damnit sometimes I’m the guy using it. My usage has been drained down like water in a swamp…and you know sorts of interesting things you can find in a drained swamp? Well, reality for one. This is a rant on getting real with yourself.
I have found that the word should is a dead on giveaway of someone not dealing with reality, for whatever reason(s). Let’s play with the sentences above for a second…
‘I did not call you yesterday.’
‘I am getting out of bed now.’
‘I am going to bed now.’
‘I will work out today.’
Notice the difference?
The first set of sentences is weak, non committal, and passive. This is the language of confused people that are not clear on what they want or where they are headed. Is this the kind of person you’d like to hang out with? What a drag… The second batch of sentences ring much more seriously, and they likely would attract better results and outcomes. People that think, speak, and act in accordance with the patterns in the second batch are likely those that are in fact captivating personalities that tend to draw you in.
The point is this – should is an excuse in a ‘nice guy’ outfit.
Own the facts, get real, and destroy this word from your thinking and from your outbound vocabulary. Do not permit yourself to be the passive voice where possibilities of what if’s are the perspective you bring.
- Have a point of view.
- Have some conviction – maybe even a little vitality about your perspective and conviction.
You will attract what you need with this mindset much more readily than the repellent that is the passive language and cornerstone word of should. The negative undertones and the anchor of ‘not being good enough’ are inherent in this language and in this word.
‘I should start working out…and I won’t…’ is really what is unspoken – but it is a story, perhaps even subconscious that we tell ourselves when using this weak language.
Increasing your awareness on this word and when you are tending to use the word is a tell to yourself – it is a signal that for this topic/subject area of your life – you are not being real.
Dissonance is a bitch.
Everyone has dissonance, the range of it will vary by relationship, DOL, and hell even your stress level for the day. By attacking the areas in which you are drawn towards using the word should and patterning excuses in these areas – you will only increase the level of clarity for yourself on a permanent basis.
Now watch this –
Do you ever use the word ‘should’ on someone else?
‘You should have called me back!’
‘You should have cleaned your room.’
‘You should have completed the assignment on time.’
‘You should…you should…you should…’
If you want to trash relatedness and ruin relationships whether they be at work, at home, or socially – keep telling people what they should do, should be, should act… It is infused judgement, and you likely are ill equipped to be judging anyone other than yourself – even then that’s prone to mistakes. You are throwing shade and guilt onto the other person where you are aiming the should… Do you think this is going to be helpful at all? Hell, as the wielder of the ‘should sword’ you likely have a gnawing sense of the negative vibe you are stabbing the other person with.
What if this is someone you love?
Would you really ever want to judge them?
Make them feel some guilt?
Do you not think the other person likely already knows that they didn’t live up to their end of the bargain or your standards?
How is rubbing their nose in it with a slew of shoulds going to help??
That’s right pal – it won’t. You are just disempowering yourself regardless of the target of your usage of ‘should.’
So what to do?
- 1) Stop using this excuse and cringey word ‘should.’
- 2a) Active Conviction –
- Instead – take a more actively convicted stance in your language – using a phrase like ‘I will’ or ‘I am’
- 2b) Middle of the Road – Possibilities –
- If you aren’t ready to take on such an active conviction – here’s a little less strong approach, although it is still much more productive than using the word should. When you would like to use the word ‘should’ replace this weakness with ‘I would like to…’ or ‘I could…’ – you are still leaving yourself open to a possible solution, without gutting your personal power here.
When tempted to ‘should sword’ someone else – instead ask a question to better understand their position – you’d be surprised at the increase in your relatedness and hell you may learn something – rather than being so judgmental…
For example:
‘I’m sure there’s a good reason why you didn’t call me back. Can you explain yourself?’
‘Why didn’t you clean your room this time around?’
‘The assignment is late, what’s going on? Do you need some help here?’
Notice the difference?
Being genuinely in tune with the facts, dealing with the reality head on, and perhaps being a bit more human and offering some help – makes a huge difference for both parties.
No more shoulds.
You will witness a reciprocating change in all of your interactions, starting with yourself.
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