Dissonance sucks. Here’s the code to break through…

• “To function in the reality of a modern society, human beings continually adjust the correspondence of their mental attitudes and personal actions; such continual adjustments, between cognition and action, result in one of three relationships with reality:^[1]

• ‘Consonant relationship’: Two cognitions or actions consistent with each other (e.g. not wanting to become drunk when out to dinner, and ordering water rather than wine)
• ‘Irrelevant relationship’: Two cognitions or actions unrelated to each other (e.g. not wanting to become drunk when out, and wearing a shirt)
• ‘Dissonant relationship’: Two cognitions or actions inconsistent with each other (e.g. not wanting to become drunk when out, then drinking more wine)”

 

Effectively – your actions are at odds with your stated beliefs and attitudes.  

 

Many times the dissonance exists when one does not even recognize this conflict, and when this happens, we sometimes refer to this as a blind spot.  These blind spots are dangerous and for some stuck in an unproductive pattern – the blind spot can dominate their existence, thereby limiting the individual.  In family systems, the effects can be even broader, and in working relationships – similar impact beyond the individual can be felt by those working with someone that has a blind spot.

 

What all of this results in is what I refer to as friction or what clinicians would characterize as stress.  When someone is dealing with dissonance the stress can be conveyed via any interactions with the individual that is hampered by the dissonance in their life.

 

By the way – dissonance is likely something you have right now, depending upon your Dimension of Life.  Likely, your dissonance levels will vary by your clarity in a given part of your life.  As an example, let’s say you have a fantastic upbringing and your relationship with your parents is exceptional to this day.  You talk with your parents regularly and they are there for you as you navigate as an adult today.

 

Now let’s say you are 50 lbs overweight with an ever increasing waistline.  You know you need to get into the gym and drop the calories by 500 per day to begin shedding a pound a week.  Yet, you just ordered that dessert that had an extra two scoops of organic ice cream on top of that chocolate fudge brownie that you requested be warmed up before the ice cream was put on top…

 

You got an extra helping of dissonance.  Tastes delicious, right?

 

The uneven portions of your life are likely due to a lack of clarity on what you want at the innermost core.  There are other elements that exacerbate the situation such as what I’ll call – horrible mechanics.  Things like non existent routines and rituals, shitty discipline, and a lack of conviction on what you are actually here to do with your time in the form of a purpose.  I have found that those that have some sense of true purpose – if the time horizon is a month or longer out (sorry if you have a purpose this afternoon to hit McDonalds – that doesn’t cut it) – the pervasiveness of dissonance across your various DOLS is seemingly reduced and isolated to a few hot spots.

 

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How do you overcome dissonance?

 

Well the first step is to decide if it exists.  Whether you see it in yourself, or recognize it in others at home or at work – the point is to acknowledge that it is there.  Raising your level of awareness of the disconnect is a freeing event for yourself if you are the one putting the dissonance into action.  If you are witnessing the dissonance playing out at work or at home – recognition is not quite the ‘freeing event’ that it can be when you are reflecting on yourself.  However, acknowledging the presence of this disconnect between what one says and what one actually does – is …. useful.
Speaking first to dissonance involving yourself.

 

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The second step is to decide if you are ready to take it on and overcome it or not.  Dissonance may not be a bad thing if it is helpful or neutral for your current situation.

 

I honestly cannot come up with an example where dissonance is actually helping me in my life.  I do have dissonance that is neutral and noted.  Where and when I uncover dissonance in my own life, whether it is my internal world of beliefs and attitudes or the outer world of action – both can be sources of dissonance – I do note the dissonance as a topic to revisit as an action for myself.

 

When the time is right, I’ll attack the dissonance to eliminate it.  I view these areas of dissonance as areas of opportunity to improve and to reduce the stress level in my life.  I’ve been grinding down the hottest zones in my various DOLs to the point that many of my most major sources of friction have been eliminated, and my sensitivity and awareness in my own life of this dissonance and resulting friction is exceptionally high.

 

I have a visceral reaction nowadays to those moments where I’m at odds with myself.  It wasn’t always like this, as I was just fine for many years swimming in the dissonance pool…

 

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The key to resolving your own dissonance is to note it exists and then choose to attack it or to leave it in a trusted systems to revisit down the line.

Picking the right battles at the right time is a key tenet here.

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Now, what if you encounter a personality at work or in your familial life that is dominated by dissonance?  Well, once you have acknowledged this aspect of their makeup – you need to decide to engage or not to engage with this individual.  Dissonance is a tough thing predict, and many times will result in unconventional reactions when you engage in highlighting the dissonance either in action or in words of the given individual.  Being sensitive to this fact must inform your approach when engaging with this individual.

 

Some alternative approaches to engagement  are as follows:

• Active Assistance – Are you seeking to counsel the person in the hopes of raising their level of self awareness via a direct conversation?
• Passive Assistance – Are you seeking to highlight areas of improvement through oblique and non threatening stories/allegories aimed at illustrating the concept of dissonance in similar situations in the hopes of furthering their self awareness?
• Increasing Relatedness – Are you simply seeking to have a working relationship that is more productive while remaining ambivalent with regards to their dissonance?
• Avoidance – You are not making their limiting patterns a problem for you to assist with, believing instead that you can have a ‘productive enough’ relationship by limiting your engaging with them on sole on a ’must do’ basis.  This is where the walls and boundaries are set with minimal involvement beyond what is necessary.

 

There are other strategies – although these are the most helpful that I think warrant our time here in this post.  Once you have identified your preferred approach, this will guide your interactions in a very intentional manner that will ensure you are handling the situation in accordance with their limiting beliefs while also supporting your own needs at work or at home.  There are a number of other contexts beyond home and work that will have you engaging with people that are dominated by dissonance.  The point here is this –

 

Acknowledge it exists.  Choose how you will engage, intentionally.  Then engage in a manner that is consistent with your own operating principles while being mindful of the dissonance that is greeting you from the other side.  In this manner, you will remain true to yourself without getting caught up in the dissonance risk presented by the other individual.

 

Once you are attuned to the lack of coherence in actions and words, you will notice how pervasive it is in this day and age.  Acknowledge it’s existence, choose how you will engage with the dissonance (within yourself or with others), and then go forward with your approach.  Taking this approach will reduce the stress in your life.

 

NOTE:  Save the judgement, as that is also a source of stress that will be covered in the future here at EnergyandAction.com .