This blog is about bleeding on the page, and it is about getting some real lessons shared in the spirit of helping those that can use the lessons - along the way. This one is a little raw. It has taken me 30 years or so to fully understand what I thought for the longest time was a throwaway cliche from my father - which I thought was intended as guidance for being proactive. This past month has recentered me in many ways, and his guidance has moved beyond proactive action, and into something so much more fundamental...
In the past month, I have been able to step back from a slew of things that I have going on in my life, and get exceptionally present in the here and now due to some very unexpected events in a few areas of my life. I have had to get exceptionally focused on a few very critical areas of my life that have warranted a newfound focus as the conditions required all that I was willing and able to throw at them.
A number of conversations and activities have been put on hold, while I recalibrate at home and at work with an intensity that has left me many nights dropping down to bed like a wrung out wash cloth. The priority has been established already for the rest of the year, and I’m grooving hard on those priorities at the moment.
My life has been in borderline upheaval for the past month as a new balance has been struck. I have had to rebalance my energy into the ‘hot spots’ that have emerged.
I can honestly say that my old friend anxiety visited twice for a few hours on two separate days in the past three weeks. I had not had that twisted in my guts and spinning thoughts experience in well over a year. On one occasion, it made me feel nauseous not because of the events of the day — no it was more about remembering the time when that feeling dominated my waking hours during the day and night – as there was a spell a few years ago where I was averaging 3 hours a sleep a night – for months.
So in some ways, it was an anxiety relapse there for a few hours. Yet, this time it was different. In the past, when that feeling of anxiety would swell over me like a Nor’easter in March in Boston – I’d freeze up. My adrenaline would go through the roof, and my cortisol would slam upwards too. All sorts of twisted muscles, aches in my back, particular knots would erupt in the same spot, and then the days of sleeplessness. This is the pattern I have known historically.
Well, none of that shit happened for any extended duration. I will say my breathlessness – not in a good way mind you – returned in full force, and I had to swat that down for a few hours. That was as far as it ever got. Sure my adrenaline was boosted, and I could feel the crash afterwards that night – but it did not last for days.
No it lasted hours.
So what is different now?
Before going there, let me recap how this would go down in the past… Well, I can honestly say that the stressors in my life in totality at the moment are as high as they have ever been, and that frankly is saying something. In the past, this type of situation would cause me to take an extra round of beers out with the guys, maybe extend that business trip another day, or compensate for the nervousness with other deadening habits that were less than helpful. I am not inferring drugs here folks, never touched any of that – for the record. Oh, and let’s just say my tension would be obvious and likely a burden to those around me.
Well, a few things have struck me between the eyes as of late – particularly how I’ve handled all of this stuff coming at me in rapid fashion from unexpected quadrants.
Sleep Preservation – I have been able to preserve my sleep quality like never before, and I’m still not sure how this is happening. I think it must be the totality of the habits I’ve cultivated over the past couple of years, along with the lifestyle I’m living. I do take an ‘extended day’ every now and then in the past few weeks, and I have done so deliberately. In some cases, it was due to familial needs that demanded me being up all night for days. In other cases, I chose to stay up to focus on other areas of my life that are absolutely a priority for me – in some cases it was work other cases it was definitely play. My ability to bounce back and wake as a refreshed soldier has been a miracle for me.
My 4 Key Habits – I started the year focused on cultivating four key habits, and I have never shared what they all are – here on this blog. These habits have served as a magnetic force of focus, as so much as raged around me unlike few times in my life. The grounding habits/areas of focus for this year remain the same as January 1:
- Daily Lifting with regular cardio
- Daily Writing ideally with corresponding blog posts
- Daily Business Action on my own business efforts
- Daily Self Improvement
During this time, the lifting has powered me through it all. The self improvement action is something I have done nearly every day – this is something that could be as simple as reflecting on an awesome quote. Reading a productivity article or gorging on a podcast.
My daily business actions have languished unfortunately, although I have enlisted help from others on an increasing basis to ensure this continues even as my time is sapped as of late.
My daily writing habit has suffered the most, and this blog has not had as much content pushed out as a result. This kills me frankly, and it is a reflection of my current lack of priority on this area. This is going to change starting today.
Mindfulness – This is the area of most growth as compared to the last epoch of high stress times. I recognize the feelings, the raw reactions/triggers, and the physical reactions that sometime arise unwanted. I have been able to exercise compensating and countermeasures to dial back all of this unhelpful stuff that I would historically ‘click into’ until the stress passed.
Now when I feel as if I am being sloshed around in a sea of stress, but I’m in a full on scuba suit. I can see clearly when it is happening, I can navigate through it, and in my most stressed moments – the folks around me have largely not even noticed what is being handled on the fly. I have managed to recognize the sloshiness of stress, and when I do – I get ever calmer. For me, this is a bit strange, and really encouraging given where I have come from.
This is squarely due to the techniques I have cultivated over the past couple of years. It is also due to a sense of surrender, and that I know exactly where I am headed. This sense of assured outcome is due in part to my surrender to a Guiding Force, and due to the knowledge that I am taking care of what I need to be taking care of at the given moment.
Now I wish I could say that the ‘I am taking care of what I need to be taking care of at the given moment‘ quote is mine, but it is not. The genius of this ‘life hack’ is now only obvious to me, and my father has been preaching this mantra since I was 12. My brother and sister can vouch that this is a refrain from our childhood. Historically, I thought his point was to get the shit done today that was supposed to get done. This is only part of the point, yet it is not the most important part.
Now.
As in the moment – NOW.
This is the only time we ever truly have in our hands, and the point of my father’s quote is to live in the given moment, otherwise known as NOW.
I have finally arrived at living my life in this manner. My focus is like never before. My resiliency is buttressed in so many ways that the refractory period when confronted with crisis – is now minutes, sometimes hours…
This is all due to an increased mindfulness, and this is something I will be elaborating upon in the coming posts.
To summarize – things have been rough and on a few occasions exceptionally stressful due to a couple of ‘hot zones’ in my life that are totally unrelated – other than the timing of events is weirdly coincidental over the past month.
A few key conversations and activities have been paused to get into the NOW, so that I can handle the needs as they require.
My resolve has been preserved due to a focus on my sleep quality, my 4 key daily habits that I committed to earlier this year, and a mindfulness that keeps me focused on the NOW while attached to a longer range and broader perspective.
I’ll be sharing more on the tests I have been experiencing as of late, and where I am battling through with success along with some mixed results. The content flow here will be increasing in the coming days, as I have reached a point of welcoming the writing back into my life – just like doing squats for the first time two days in a row – in months earlier this week.
Hey, I’m just showing up at the gym…and just like showing up at the gym – the writing is set to resume. My best days are when I am able to hit the gym, and the keyboard with equal intensity/focus.
So there’s a tell for you, if you see the posts flowing – you know the vibe on my end is ever increasing and positive – so be on the lookout.
