Today, I think I met The Oracle at Wal-Mart.
In the past week, I have really put some pressure on myself – probably too much as I look back over the last few days especially.
I have historically been pressing hard to build and create and to push and to pull. Everything I have in my life is a result of all the actions I have taken, I have been given a lot of blessings, and in many ways – I had to work for it.
And yet, something has shifted in the past few months in particular. Like a glimmer of light when you are lost deep in the woods of Vermont during the winter. The air is crisp, cold, and very very clear when it is so dark out – the light can be from miles away. Despite the flickering of the light due to the tree branches and swells of snow – the light continues on. Well, I feel like I’m much closer to something that has been pulling at me for months, building upon work I’ve been doing on myself over the past year.
I’ve been playing with the need to produce. The need to perform. The action and intensity that I bring to so much in my life has historically been focused outbound. I’ve had great success in projecting it outwards, and magnetizing so much in my life as a result. Yet, it has not always been smooth. Many times, it is a grind. Friction and conflict of some sort. I’m not talking drama, just a little snag here and there, sometimes more than a snag. This is all feedback, and it informs me that maybe the approach I am taking should be altered. Yet, I continue to cycle back to pressing on. I take a lot of pride in producing, and outdoing myself. I’ve at least reached the point where I’m not competing with anyone other than myself. Yet, I still feel the need to compete.
Why is that still a need for me? This is a question I’m dismantling carefully at the moment, and I feel like there’s more work in this space for myself. I have to be brutally honest that it is truly filling a void somehow. How do I know this? Well, I have had a taste of operating from another perspective – particularly in the past month or so.
I really wish I could say that I’ve overcome this sense of void-based production, and conditional belief in the outcome of things that I believe to be true. But I have not. It is still a challenge, even right now as I debate how long this blog post needs to be. It is a pervasive condition that I have, and it is one that I’m much more mindful about than ever before. And yet, I indulge in outhustling myself day on the majority of days.
Wishes are bullshit without the conviction of thoughts, feelings, actions – these lead to results. If the result is not what was intended, then guess what? It is time to adjust and to improve and overcome.
So in the past two months, I have really doubled-down on stepping out of my performance-based mode, and stepped into a being-first mode. A mode of surrender to the egoist-performance model.
A mode of calmness and of peace.
I have had days in the past few years, maybe even a week or two while on vacation in the Keys or Jamaica – and those days/weeks were incredibly illuminating. Recently, I’ve begun applying this approach of being-first to my daily work, and it is a radical thing for me. It feels like I have shed a shell of some sort on those days when I ‘let it come to me.’
On those days, things are seamless and flowy. I’ve been told it is jarring to those that see me day in and day out. I’ve been asked if everything was okay, if I was drunk, if I was overtired, and in a couple cases – people have asked for ‘my secret.’ My experience has taught me that I need to settle into being more of myself, rather than being the guy that produces. The help and support is offered up much more freely when I’m in this mode, and it is incredibly surprising to me to have it arrive the way that it does. No friction, no muss or fuss. Things just kind of happen.
So today, I was reminded of this by my cashier at Wal-Mart. Random coincidence if you are not paying attention. I bought some wine, and she was teasing me about needing to see my ID. So I gave it to her, and she was surprised about my age – she thought I was much younger.
“Baby face,” she says.
(Many times in the boardrooms of my career, this has been viewed as a negative thing. I guess now that I’m a little older, it is turning into something positive for those so quick to judge.)
Then we get into it (as the line continues to grow mind you…) and she tells me that she graduated from high school four years prior. So she’s in her 60’s if my math is reasonably accurate. I swear, she looked barely 50. Not a line of stress on her. So the conversation continues, and at one point she stops me and says out of nowhere – ‘You have earned everything you have, stop pressing so hard. Your sons will be fine, and you are showing them what they need to see. When you stop forcing it, then things will be easy.’
SHIT. I stopped cold. Who the hell is this??????
My son’s birthday was on Friday, and I’ve been riddled with self doubt the past few days as I wonder what else I could be doing to ensure he and his brothers are going to be fine. I have been judging myself very, very hard on this front over the past few days. Spring Break is here, and I’ve not lined up any time off from work. What are we going TO DO, WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GO? And so it goes…I did the same shit to myself during the holidays too.
So back to Debra at Wal-Mart. She gives me a wink, and says ‘Think about it.’ My father does that wink too, I thought. It is a knowing wink of peace, he has it. She clearly did too.
I’ll spare you the rest of the conversation, as it was a reminder of so much at the exact right time today. I thanked her with a ‘you are exactly the person I needed to meet, at this exact moment, and you have told me something I needed to hear the last few days.’
She goes, “Well, are you going to listen this time?” With a smirk no less.
“Yes, I’m listening now. Thank you for all of this.”
Now, I shit you not, she leans in and goes – “Let’s blow this up, okay?”
I fist bump and blow it up with the lady at Wal-Mart!
I’m sure we both looked nuts. Sounds a bit out there right?
Well, I followed that moment up with a decision to share this ‘be first’ truth, to write up the blog without any edits, and to make a phone call that I had to make today to get back to a sense of balance.
I left the store thinking that I had just met The Oracle from The Matrix. She seriously looked exactly like her, and she put me in a proverbial choke hold as she bagged my stuff.
A reminder can go a long way.
Think about it. 😉
